Birthday Journal 2025

(08/22/2025)

Looking back on my past 2 birthday entries, I wanted to feel free and accomplished. I always had low self-esteem and wanted to be worthy of living. There was also a mix of anger and envy towards others because everyone except me seemed accomplished or satisfied in their lives. I wanted to be better than others. It was from a lifetime of feeling inferior and worthless. I thought about killing myself again last year September which got me diagnosed with severe depression and anti-depressants. It was that feeling of always feeling like a failure no matter how hard I tried whether it was in my studies, career, or social life. I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t improve. It took about a year for my soul to completely crumble. Suicide seemed like the only way to end the madness.

After going through therapy, I realized that the whole comparison game was an uphill battle. No matter how much I improved, I would always find someone better than me. It never stopped. Even now I feel conflicted. That comparison and competitiveness got me this far. It helped me stopped being obese, join the military, study at UC Berkeley, travel outside the United States, and always push me outside of my comfort zone. Yet, it always found a way to make me miserable and on edge. I treat every single moment like a currency that I have to spend efficiently for self-improvement. Sometimes, I feel more behind than I was 7 years ago.

I learned from a young age that my value in life is relative to the ones around me. Now, I am trying to unlearn it. I am tired of making everything a competition and feeling depressed all the time. Removing it leaves a void in me and I am trying to find a healthy replacement.

Back in 2018, I had a simple dream. It was to live in my own place, play video games, and eat Panda Express, Kbbq, and Costco everyday. Looking back, I just wanted to be away from my parents and not feel worthless everyday. I achieved that dream on paper because I already live by myself and I can do whatever I want. However, I still feel trapped, but this time, in my own head. My dream has been and still is, to achieve freedom. Let me elaborate. There are so many things I want to do but I stop myself out of fear. Everyday, I want to talk to people and learn about them whether it’s about their cute stickers, or the cool jewelery, etc. I only end up talking 5% of the time and I want to improve it. I want to make new friends, new adventures, and new memories. I don’t want to always feel bitter and resentful. I want to feel happy knowing that my own life is in my control.

I don’t want to be in my dying moments and regret being a coward my whole life. My life motto is still the same, live and die with no regrets.