All my dating experience/relationships

Pratibha Rai (Nepali in Hong Kong)
-first thought is full of regrets.
-She is the closest thing to a childhood friend I had. We were very close from grade 3-6 in primary school as we were in the same classroom. I liked her and I think she liked me too.
-we remained close friends until 6th grade.
In the middle of 6th grade, when we were sitting next to each other in a group table, she asked me:
”Biraj, do you like me.”
I was too shy and embarrassed to tell her the truth that I liked her. So I told her that I didn’t like her. She nudged me again and asked, “Do you like me?” I said “no” and I lightly punched her on the shoulder.
We never talked about it again after that. We still remained friends but I deeply regret this moment to this day.
It is my biggest regret and I keep telling myself that I should have told the truth. All I can do is learn from it and be brave enough not to repeat the same mistake.
I tried to reach out and meet her in person to apologize for this but I don't think she was too interested in meeting up with me anymore. There's that.

LA Metro internship friend (forgot her name)(Mexican and Glasses)
-this was the summer 2018 after high school and it was my first ever job.
-we ended up talking to each other by coincidence in intern events even though we worked in different departments.
-she asked me out to eat sushi at little Tokyo. I thought, “cool” this is a nice way to make new friends. Then I realized she is a girl and she didn’t invite anyone else.
-both of us liked each other and we did hang out a few times during the internship trying out different restaurants. It was fun.
-However, my social skills were 0 so it didn’t work out that great. After the internship, we just went back to separate ways and stopped contacting each other.
-Looking back, I should have been more socially aware and more open about talking about myself with her. It might have been frustrating for her to carry all the conversations.

Italian girl
-It was in 2020 spring when this happened before Covid lockdown went full force. I was working in the front desk every week in our new counseling building in Santa Monica College. I would often help other students get around and answer questions. My friends Canyon, Sam, Champ, and Pan would come annoy me all the time.
-One of the girls from Alpha Gamma Sigma Honor Society found me cute so she came up to me while I was working and talking with Champ. She asked me if I would "like to get coffee sometime". I said "I don't drink coffee". She said, "what about tea?". "I don't drink tea either." She sounded sad as she said "ok..." I said "I am down to drink boba though." She said in a worried voice "Boba sounds good" as she walked away disappointed and surprised about the whole conversation.
Champ put up the meme "you dense motherfucker". He told me that the Italian girl was trying to ask me out the whole time and I didn't realize it. The lack of social awareness became a huge turn-off for her.
To this day, just looking back on this memory causes me to cringe from the embarrassment of how autistic and socially inexperienced I was. Now I am not surprised when I realize how socially underdeveloped I am.

Shuran Yang (spring 2022)(Wuhan, China)

It was my first semester at UC Berkeley after transferring from Santa Monica College and finishing up my basic training in the army. It was in Spring 2022 when I met her. I was trying to socialize, going to different club events and trying my hardest to get a girlfriend.

I first met her in an Asian American Association kickback party. The mood was pretty relaxed overall. She was the first person I met and talked with since most people arrived late. After my friend arrived, I ditched her to catch up with him. Looking back, I was very disrespectful in doing that. After talking with my friend, I went to talk to her again. I had multiple shots of vodka mixed with guava juice in me.

I tried to get to know her again. I tried a trick I learned from Tom (SMC) and dating books. I touched her arm and asked about her bracelet to increase physical contact. I told her about my time in the US military. When her friend arrived, I told her in front of her friend that I liked her because I found her cute.

While dropping her off home, we got closer as we talked about parental troubles over us trying to express ourselves and try out new things in the American culture. She let me borrow her jacket as I returned home. That night's walk back in the rain was one of my happiest moments. I finally found dating success in my life. I was on cloud 9.

(Note from Biraj, writing about this hurts me because I have a lot of regrets about me being socially inexperienced and having all these dating mistakes).

In our first date, it went 4/10. I prepared beforehand by scouting out the UC Berkeley campus for nice places to take her on a walk. I also prepared what to talk about such as my experience wanting to be a doctor. However, they all felt robotic and scripted. Looking back, I felt like I was saying them for the sake of saying them to impress her and not to actually express myself vulnerablly. I felt like I said nothing of emotional value on that date. We sat down and I put my arm around her but it felt forced. She didn't trust me or know me well enough for that. I walked her back to her friend's study group.

After that, she became unavailable until Spring Break. She was alone in Berkeley as her friends went to Las Vegas. I invited her to hang out again. This time, it was the same result, not much was said on my end. I was asking her a lot of questions to the point it felt like an interrogation. I was too scared on my end to express myself vulnerable.

I did take her to the cherry blossom festival and took her to the pier. This is when I had a breakthrough moment. I had an enchanting date with her, shopping around, eating ramen, and having fun with the shiba inus (Japanese dogs). At the pier, as we were watching the seals fight each other over and over again, it made me sad and depressed. The seals would push each other off the platform into the water only to climb back up to start the fight over again.

It felt futile and hopeless in the grand scheme things. It reminded me of the times where I felt that nothing I did matter especially when I did good in academics and extracurriculars but my parents would call me worthless over and over again. As I talked about it with her. I cried. I also learned about her scars on her hand caused by her parent's abuse. I asked if I could kiss her and she said Yes. I kissed her on the cheek with a photo.

After walking back home, we were walking arm with arm (or hand in hand) and I felt close to her for the first time. After we arrived outside her apartment, she looked like she wanted something. At that moment, I just said goodbye and left.

Looking back, that was the perfect moment to kiss her and spend the night with her. That moment was a huge turn off for her as she realized how socially inexperienced I was.

This is also one of my biggest regrets in life to this day.

After that, we met once more to go to the Berkeley Marina to watch the ocean. Overall, it was very awkward as I still sucked at communicating and being open with her. I asked a lot of questions but her answers felt safe. On the way back, she asked if we could just stay friends. I said "yes" sadly.

I still blame myself to this day for not escalating things with her and being socially inexperienced. I did hang out with her a few times at parties with other mutual friends but that romantic connection is gone.

Shuran and the gym:

Shuran asked me multiple times to work out in the gym together. I was already going to the university gym but I declined her request multiple times because I was extremely insecure about both my looks and my gym expertise. I was scared of looking like a newbie compared to the other guys which is why I declined. This is also part of the reason why she lost attraction in me because I was so scared to try out new things. I didn't have my first kiss and or my first sex which made me extremeley insecure. For guys, the more social/dating experience you have, the better it is. For girls, it's mostly opposite as guys prefer girls who are more "pure".

For guys with no dating experience, it feels like the first job problem. When looking for your first job, they require you to have experience for entry-level positions, but to get experience, you need a job. You are fucked. Same thing for relationships. As a guy, you need to have experience because you are calling the shots: doing the first approach, escalating the conversations, asking out, going for the kiss, sex, etc. If you have no experience, you are either not going to do them at all or you are going to try and fail and learn over time.

Looking back now after three years, I am fine with working out in the gym together. I still look the same physically (no six packs), lift even less due to joint pain and worsening insomnia, and don't have much more gym experience. I can only have this approach because I already had my first kiss and first sex. Back then, I was too scared of losing my only chance which made me a worse and less confident boyfriend.

Thinzar Khin (Fall 2022, deployment in Qatar)(Burmese)

I don't want to write about it. Just thinking about these memories fills me with shame about how much I lacked experience in dating and talking to women.

Whenever I look back at all the dumb mistakes I did, I would feel like an idiot all over again. However, if I weren't an idiot back then, I wouldn't have learned anything to become who I am today.

(Two notable examples with other girls: one time some girl in SMC asked me out for coffee but then I told her I don't drink coffee. She said what about tea, I told her I don't drink tea either. She said oh ok in a disappointed sad tone. I told her, I am down for boba. She said sounds good in an awkward tone before walking away. My friend Champ was there to witness the whole thing and told me that she was trying to ask me out.

The other example is at UC Berkeley economics club party where a girl had a mint breath. I told her that her breath smelled nice and what she used for it. I never went back to that club after that.)

Back to Thinzar.

I met her during my Qatar deployment from September 2022 till December 2023. After a month of working there, she arrived for her deployment. We didn't talk much initially because she was in the day shift and I was in the night shift. However, during shift change and "mandatory fun" office parties, I had some time to talk with her here and there.

I was super focused into my work, trying to do everything and take charge because I wanted to be nominated for promotion from E3 (private first class) to E4 (specialist) as soon as possible for the extra $200 a month. I was taking the lead for passenger briefings and learning each job as much as I could. I also became the designated driver for our PERSCO (airport check in) crew whenever they wanted to get drinks at the local bars on base and get rides home. I became someone capable or reliable.

During all this, I had a feeling that she might be interested in me. The one example I remember is after dropping them off from the bar to the barracks (college dorm style buildings), she grabbed my hand a few times during conversations. I took that as a sign so next morning shift change, I asked her to talk somewhere in private. I told her genuinely that while I work with a lot of people and spend time with them, I never get to know any of them well. It made me sad and I didn't want to leave this deployment without getting to know her better. She was understanding and agreed to get coffee on my next night off (since I worked night shift).

The following night, we met at our barracks and started walking towards her favorite coffee shop (45 minute walk). We started talking about traveling, some of our interests and hobbies like movies and working out (everybody in the military works out unless you are old and fat). After a while, the conversation shifted to me talking about about myself and my relationship to my parents. I talked about being a failure, feeling worthless, and my suicide attempt. During this, I also started crying. She was a bit surprised, but she held my arm and hand throughout the whole thing. She understood where I was coming from and also talked about similar issues with her family (like most asian-american families). By the end of our date/hangout, I told her that I liked her but she told me that she wasn't interested.

I assume that her attraction towards me faded when she realized that I have a lot of mental and emotional baggage to figure out. We still stayed as close friends and texted and called on and off throughout the deployment. However, after getting back to the US, we haven't talked since.

Reflection:

Looking back, talking about personal and deep stuff is good with girls but it has to come from a place of peace. At that time, I was still in pain with those memories and couldn't talk about them without crying. However, now I can talk about them from a more calm manner and even laugh at it a little. Girls need somebody to rely on and guys who cry a lot, don't seem to reliable or confident.

Tia Lâm (Fall 2023 UC Berkeley Same Co-op Space)(Filipino glasses)

First meeting:

I met Tia in my first semester in UC Berkeley after finishing my deployment. We lived in the same housing unit which housed around 20 people. I first met her on a random weekend when I was headed to the gym. She was sitting outside the front door smoking weed. I introduced myself and asked her for her name. We did the usual first conversation of asking about each others' majors and years. I told her that I just got back to the US from deployment before heading to the gym. We did usual hi's and hello's for a while.

As I was about to walk away, she told me, "This is the part where you ask me for my Instagram." I was surprised and then asked her for her Instagram. That's how we became friends.

First hangout:

During the second week of class, as I was headed to the university, I saw her outside on the tree bench filming herself. I told her that I didn't know she was a tiktoker. She replied something around, "i am just trying to look nice before I head to class". She was just using the phone as a mirror. Randomly I asked her if she wanted to go to campus together. She looked confused and debated it for a few seconds before saying yes. While walking together, I talked about army stuff but she told me that I already said it before. I forgot what I talked about but I remember her talking about her part-time job working with teenagers and young adults related to politics or LGBTQ+.

The first time we hungout was at our housing unit. We ordered papa john's with some breadsticks. She booted up her favorite TV show: big mouth. It was an animated show with kids but with a lot of adult themes like sex. She said it was her childhood show growing up. She told me a lot about growing up homeless with her mom as they often lived in her car before finding a more financially stable job. There was one scene where the mom and dad have sex all night. She said, "that sounds amazing" and I said "that sounds exhausting". That showed the contrast in our personality as she was very upfront and assertive while I was more laid back. This was also during the time where I quit the frat I was pledging (Sigma Pi). I think frats are definitely worth it if you love partying and want to make lifelong friends. However, my insomnia was very fucked up and I was tired of drinking all night so I quit. I would talk about dumb stories about how we all had to refer to our pledge leader as "Taicho" which means captain in Japanese (from Attack on Titan).

Room Showcase:

We also hung out a few other times like that. We often watched "That's Cringe" by Cody Ko and Noel Miller making fun of "Girl Defined" or "Epic Morning Rountine". There was that one time where we played my Nintendo Switch. I beat her in Mario Kart so we played Resident Evil Revelations 2. I made her play Claire and she was too scared to shoot the monsters. After that, I showed her my room and my favorite poster which is the manga page of Nanami's last thoughts of retiring and read all the books he never opened on his bookshelf. I also showed her my cool rainbow LED light feature. She immediately told me, "We are not having sex". I was so confused and lost that I just froze. I just said, "What?" in a quiet confused voice. She immediately realized it and she hugged me saying, "My bad".

Panda Express:

Later on a Thursday Night, we met up on campus and went to Panda Express to get food before heading back to our unit. She told me that this is the first time she is eating at Panda Express and she is just doing this for me. I was like "Thank You". While walking back, she would talk aloud about classroom drama. In her political science class, it was majority white students. However, she had beef with her groupmates who disagreed with some of her political opinions. She talked about how she felt betrayed by her classmates who were a minority like her.

Tia is super liberal. Her friend Tina told her she used to be in the military. Tia told her, "Oh no, I don't think I can be friends with you because you are in the military and you like killing people". Me and Tina were like "no, we don't like killing people. We have never killed people and we only joined because we are poor. Most people in the military, don't like being in the military".

Back to panda express. We went to my room and sat on the floor eating Panda Express while watching Cody Ko and Noel Miller. After we finished eating and the video ended, we started talking in the dark room. At some point, I started talking about my suicide story and depression while crying at her shoulder. Even though I opened up and became vulnerable, I did it in a feminine way. I think because of that, her attraction towards me started fading away. She was always leading and it does get tiring constantly waiting for the guy to do it.

Chipotle:

The next time we hung out was the last time. We got Chipotle and sat by the Sather Tower railing overlooking Campanile Way to San Francisco. It was beautiful at sunset. She was leading the way a lot. At the railing while sitting, she took my hand and put it on her opposite waist while we were sitting. I talked about how nice it all was being there with her.

After that, while walking back, we went through and empty secluded bridge. We just stopped for a few seconds and looked at each other. I put both arms around her and said, "Wanna kiss?" She laughed and immediately said "no" before walking away.

While walking back, I told her that she left her red jacket in my room from a few days ago when we ate Panda Express. I fucked up on my end because I was too nervous to tell her before. She became angry that I told her just now. She was pissed off at me because she was on some mental health meds and she forgot a lot of things. That red jacket was from her mom and meant a lot to her. She was panicking the past few days trying to find it. After we got home, I gave her back her jacket.

After that, we stopped being friends. She wouldn't respond to my greetings so we eventually stopped interacting with one another. She blocked me on Instagram too. There's that.

Peri Platenberg (Spring 2024)(White and orange hair)

Where

Quanlin Yuan (Sharleen, "Chuenlin")

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random dates