Being A Tool
June 18, 2025
A few weeks I hung out with Chris Morville, a friend I made in UC Berkeley. We were both members of the Cal Veterans Group and the Cal Anime Club. We talked about anime and kpop because they were his two biggest hobbies. From there, the conversations shifted towards his japanese tutor who he liked. He found her cute and funny as they both liked anime and kpop.
I asked him, "If you find her cute, why don't you ask her out?" He said that he is not that attached to her yet. He is also looking for a job right now so he feels useless. Then, that made me question, as guys, is our role in dating just to be tools and a wallet for women. Is that the reason why women want to spend time with us, just to use us?
Even from my close friend Sam, I get a similar sentiment of wanting to have a job and be able to provide for his partner. Chris told me that "yes, without a job, I feel powerless and unconfident". I have heard of many stories of women cheating on their partners who work and provide for the family. I have also heard of stories of women paying or going into debt helping their deadbeat boyfriends. The large majority of these deadbeat boyfriends were good-looking.
I had similar thoughts for both friendships and dating. I wanted to make myself more capable, have others rely on me more so they wouldn't leave me. I liked being used because it made me feel important and valuable. However, I was only seen as a tool, "that good and helpful friend" or "a nice guy who knows how to listen". I kept getting friendzoned over and over again. I realized that girls friendzone guys who are nice/helpful but are ugly or unconfident.
After a while, my focus shifted from helping others to helping myself. Once people didn't have a use for me, they would just leave. That's why my sentiment towards people made a 180 turn.
I still like helping people. However, being a tool or ensuring everybody's wellbeing is not a priority. Hell, I even enjoy watching people fail and suffer because it makes me feel better about myself. Now, I feel more comfortable saying no and being an asshole to others. It is liberating.
